Sweet Sleeper

My visit with Caleb was sweet and odd. He was very sleepy and kept sleeping and waking up periodically to look at me and smile and wrap his arm tighter around my arm, smell my hand, and pull my arm and hand to his chest. Then he would go straight back to sleep. Other than that I just sang to him, talked to him, prayed for him, and gently massaged his arms, touched his face and hair—all while staring at him while he slept. Dan raised a lot of money for the school, through business contacts, and so now they are talking about what to do to make Caleb's room nicer. I said if they would give him a little extra attention it would be worth more than anything money can buy. The house manager took Caleb's Viewmaster and locked it away for him to use once or twice a day, as I have asked many, many times before. I guess she felt sorry for me because I almost dropped a tear when I said if he could have some of his things locked safely away and then offered to him daily, that would help me to be a little less broken-hearted. I said that would be much more important than a new dresser. After that she also suggested a rug for his room, which blessed me. I didn't think anyone there gave much thought to his comfort, like bare feet on a cold floor in the morning, or bare feet on a nice, soft rug. Now I know that at least one person cares. Also met a nice night nurse who said sometimes Caleb plays possum. I know he does. I was glad she knew that from her own observation. God is good. He holds Caleb's hands. Thanks for listening.

My Valentine

Valentine's Day will soon be here. I'm reminded of one of my favorite Valentines. I have a picture, but it's part of a collage now, hanging on my office wall. Caleb had just turned four, so it's 1988. He wears a paper crown which I think was decorated by his brother and sister. Of course, the crown has red and pink hearts and cute designs all over it. He also wears a soft,checked, red, white and blue flannel shirt. A yellow, paisley patterned bandana covers his neck and chin. (Big sis definitely decked him out in that bandana ☺) He looks like a prince, holding court on the couch. Caleb's eyes, and all of him, smile straight into the camera lens. I hear the giggles of the chubby little guy. A beautiful memory.

Let's all cherish those we love. ♥

I Love You

Yesterday we played cards, smiled, laughed, held hands, smelled hands, read books, colored, chewed gum, shared a snack, took a car ride, hugged. Yesterday, for two hours and change, I forgot everything in the world but you. I love you so much and am unable to help you out of your seemingly sad existence. Some people say you are happier than I imagine, because your mind works on a different plane. I am thankful for a certain understanding you must have with God and nature and yourself, an understanding which keeps you here, keeps you from leaving the world. For this I am thankful. Because I hold out for a time when a miracle happens. That's a day when I know how to really help you, or someone else does, and you know how to be helped. You know how to communicate fully in this lovely time I'm dreaming of. You never bite yourself or bang your head again. You and I discuss everything under the sun. You stop asking for another car ride all the time. I stop crying on the way home from our visits. I take you home with me, to stay. We cook together and fold laundry. We watch corny sitcoms and play Scrabble. We stand in line at the post office and we are peaceful. We are healed.

Look of Love

Caleb had a home visit with his dad over Thanksgiving. In a photo, Caleb sits with his legs crossed and appears relaxed, reading a book in his favorite chair. He looks happy. This makes me smile. Every little thing in life matters—sometimes so much more than the big stuff.

What is your big stuff?

Does it really matter so much?

Try making a glance at a loved one turn into a meaningful gaze. If this is hard—practice.

Our Time

A Poem for Caleb

Tromping through coastal grass and brambles, I overlook flood plain, mineral rights and agricultural exemption. In the spider's dewy web and butterfly's dance, in the cool green/brown air, I search for a trail to walk with you. We will sit on the porch of a wooden house at nighttime. Do you hear the rain on the tin roof? Do you taste the roasted marshmallows of Summer and Fall? It's like you're a child again. Touch the angel's wings at Christmastime. Let the glitter fly. I will see you there. I will hold your hand very long times at a time, after the scheduled meals are gone, the assigned sheets washed crisp, folded, and put away. I will play dominoes with you before the fire. The table is broken now, but we will fix it together. One day we will hammer and sand and paint. Close your eyes. Mama cooks dinner. Smell the bread rising.

Crash

My daughter just sent me a you tube video of a down syndrome girl who became homecoming queen. I usually shy far away from success stories about such. I forced myself to watch and predictably, the tears fell. When will I ever stop believing I've failed, and continue to fail, as Caleb's mother? I do not know the answer to that question. I only know my heart is broken.

Precious Son

My Dear Caleb,
I so enjoyed seeing you on Saturday. Holding your hand, you touching my face, walking in the park. With you it's almost like time stands still. We do the same things we did when you were small only now you dwarf me when we lie next to one another for stories. XXX