Thursday, March 27, 2008
Tonight I'm not thinking on the rough stuff that happened—Caleb trying to manhandle me outside the house to take him for a car ride; Caleb eating porkchops, macaroni, and spinach by the fistfull; or Caleb peeing a small lake, on the floor next to the toilet—no, I am not. I mean I won't now. I will go to sleep thinking on the beautiful thing that happened. I sat at the table in his room, building with Legos. He sat on the end of his bed, looking through books, and also building with Legos. At some point, I noticed that he had placed his foot against mine and kept it that way for about ten minutes. He was calm during this time, and happy. So was I.
Wednesday, March 26, 2008
Okay, there has to be a first time for all things and this is it. I'll simply state my goal for this blogsite. I want to clear my mind of all the thoughts of my son so that I can sleep at night. I constantly battle worrying over Caleb. He is my youngest child beside my stepdaughter, Laura, who is fifteen, and causes me no angst. Anyway, Caleb is 23 and lives in a group home which is 45 minutes from my house. He does not live in my house because caring for Caleb is 24/7 with no minutes off. This takes a team. I am part of the team. I do not know how to be the entire team myself, or to recruit others to be on an around the clock watch at my house. So there is guilt involved at times. Maybe you sense that so I might as well say it. There are regrets. There is pain. There is insomnia and nervous eating at times. And all of these things are on my part. Imagine how it feels to be an autistic young man. I won't try to, or at least I hope I don't ever try to speak for Caleb and say how he feels. I may say what I think he may be feeling but let's understand that I am not a mind reader for him. He does not channel his thoughts to me and he is low verbal, meaning that he basically asks for what he wants or needs and that only part of the time. So anyway, I plan to pour out my heart after visits with Caleb and to say how I feel about our time together. Maybe this will help someone else feel that they are doing wonders when I'm not doing so well, or just help another parent feel not so alone. Maybe I can help someone else open up and dialogue about autism as well. It makes me feel better to get it out. We all need to share and we all need to just vent. Since a free blog is available for this, my therapy, here I am. I see Caleb tomorrow. I'll be back then.