Wednesday, May 28, 2008
A Hard Place
On Sunday, Caleb was sound asleep when I visited—for the entire visit. I did everything, shy of pouring ice water on his head, to wake him up. At one point, I think he saw me. Dan was there and he swears Caleb's eyes opened just a slit at the same time he smiled. I thought that was him smiling in a dream. After that though, he did rest his arm on my leg and I felt he knew I was with him. Why couldn't he wake up? I checked with the nurse. No med changes. No seizures. The caregivers said he had been outside a lot before we arrived and there was obviously some problem with the ac unit for his building. So maybe the heat wore him out. I can only hope he is not depressed. You know how people tend to sleep more when depressed. His dad sees him this weekend and I go again the next. This is the way it goes for now. We are taking it slow on the visits, so he can adjust to his new home and community. I am torn. But I pray, and rest knowing Caleb is safe in God's arms of love. Yet, am I a terrible parent? I ask God this now. Anguish and autism go hand in hand, at least in my experience. My torment has moved from what could I have done better to what can I do? Oh, God, I am in need of help. Thank you for being everywhere at once and being Caleb's one perfect parent. I release my pain to you. I release Caleb to you. I trust.